Me/brilliant genius girl

I remember when I was about 13 or 14 there was an article in the paper about this girl who was really brilliant and had started college at age 12 or so.

It brought on this crushing feeling of inadequacy that I couldn't explain.

unhappy mad science girl

Attempting to analyze it just led to ideas I wasn't allowed to think – but now I understand: I wanted to be her, to be like her. I can imagine feeling positive enough about myself as a girl that I could have overcome the other issues I was dealing with – mainly ADHD-PI – and actually succeeded academically, rather than floundering and failing.

On top of the dysphoria itself, though, I just couldn't get motivated to achieve anything when the result would be that I'd be seen as a smart, successful boy.

But being a smart, successful girl... yes. That would have been something worth being. I would be The Girl Who Gave Literally Zero Fucks about gendered expectations. I would be the girl who didn't wear earrings or pink clothes or jewelry – but I'd still have my hair long, because I like it that way. I'd be the girl who knew more about physics and math than most of the boys did, because physics and math let you actually do things – unlike sports, which accomplishes exactly nothing. I'd have been the mad genius programmer geek chick from hell, with a mad science lab in the basement, a massive SF collection, and computer-generated artwork on the walls.

I would have been the girl nobody could ever possibly forget, because what girl does all those things?

But that's all pretty common among boys (or at least not hard to find), so who cares.

Notes

• Not quite my dream, but I very much relate to it: Lindsey Stirling: Brave Enough (wikipedia:Lindsey Stirling)
• Characters:
  • Fee-5 Grauman's Chinese, from The Computer Connection by Alfred Bester
  • Matilda (liked the film better than the book)
  • Janie Gibbs, from Harriet the Spy