This Might Be Nine Eleven/notes

Update: They Might Be Giants meet 9/11 (part one) is now complete, the first break-in record I've made since 1980! Better quality, too, on both the timing and the content.

TMBG meets 9/11

Part One

We are here in New York City where an airplane has just flown into a skyscraper. A man on the sidewalk is running towards me. Sir, what did you see?

"Words fail -- buildings tumble..."

What seems to be happening to the buildings?

"Everything is catching, yes, everything is catching on fire"

I am here in the White House Press Room with President George W. Bush. Sir, what do you say to claims that the towers fell due to controlled demolition?

"People should get beat up for statin' their beliefs"

But sir, have you even started to look at the evidence?

"Don't, don't, don't let's start"

And what do you believe caused the terrorists to attack us?

"Youuuuth... culture..."

Uh-oh, building #7 seems to be collapsing too! <bell ringing from Nightgown of the Sullen Moon> Vice President Dick Cheney, can you tell us what is happening?

"I was just talking and / Someone interrupted / Or was it a loud explosion?"

Mr. Cheney, coming on the heels of the loss of two major skyscrapers, the sudden collapse of a third is shocking news. Do you have any words of encouragement for the American people?

"It ain't so bad as you paint it..."

Well it's certainly very fortunate that nobody was in the building when it fell. But sir, building #7 was not hit by an airplane. Why did it fall down?

"Don't, don't, don't let's start... I've got a weak heart..."

Very well, sir. Let's turn to the rescue and recovery efforts -- what do you think is the most important thing we need to look for?"

"They'll need a crane... to pick the broken ruins up again..."

I'm sure that's true, but I was thinking more of what evidence we should be looking for in the ruins. Do you have any suggestions?

"My metal detector... is with me all of the time..."

The demolition workers have begun taking the ruins apart with a crane -- but everything seems to be pulverised into tiny particles. I am speaking to the demolition workers now. Sirs, who could possibly have survived such a terrible explosion?

"Particle man, particle man..."

I have here Mr. Rudolf Giuliani, mayor of New York City. Sir, where will you be taking the evidence for analysis?

"Where your eyes don't go"

How do you think people will react to the results?

"It's a nightmare that you'll never be discovering"

Sir, don't you think that the evidence should be carefully inspected before it is hauled off for recycling?

"Don't, don't, don't let's start"

Without inspecting the evidence, how can we even be sure that the perpetrators are foreign rather than domestic?

"Because everyone's your friend in New York City"

The President is playing a video of a man who is supposedly Osama bin Laden. Let's listen in:

"I'll sink Manhattan... right under the sea... I'll find the sweetest spot to watch as it flows away."

Mr. President, the man in the video doesn't look very much like Osama. How could this possibly be him?

"Heeeee's a hypnotist"

But sir, comparing this man's features to file photos of bin Laden, how can you say they look at all similar?

"Don't, don't, don't let's start"

Sir, don't you think that if you persistently block inquiry into today's events, that there will eventually be consequences for your administration?

"These things happen to other people... they don't happen at all..."

We would like to continue this report, but it appears that our journalism grant from the Ford Foundation has been terminated. In closing, here is a recording of the official letter of termination:

"The bells are ringing, the song they're singing is bringing the people round... they hear the instructions, they follow directions, they travel great distances to this sound..."

Part Two (Mission Accomplished - TMBG in Iraq)

Iraq part

We are here on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, where president George W. Bush has just declared victory in the United States invasion of Iraq. I am speaking with the White House Press Secretary. Sir, how would you assess the mood of those present here?

"All the people are so happy now, their heads are cavin' in"

Can you tell us anything about President Bush's plan for the future of Iraq?

"Nobody knows what it's really like, but everyone says it's great"

What can you tell us about relations between the United States and the Iraqi people?

"We'd almost figured out how we'd get along"

I am speaking to a Fox News reporter embedded with the US Army in Baghdad. Can you tell me what was happening in the Iraqi capital city while we have been celebrating the American victory here on board the Lincoln?

"The trees all waved their giant arms... and happiness bled... from every street corner... and bi-planes bombed with fluffy pillows."

I am now speaking by internet phone with an independent blogger who has been living in Iraq for the past year. Hello, is this a good connection?

"I can hear you... just barely hear you... I can just barely hear you"

Can you tell me what you saw in Baghdad during the American victory celebration?

"Pistol shots... gun shots... bullets from a gun... bullets through the atmosphere... here they come"

Are you saying that the bells of victory are perhaps ringing prematurely, and that people are unaware that armed conflict is likely to continue?"

"They are persuaded by the music of the bells... they're not responsible for anything they do..."

And for whom would you say this battle is truly being fought?

"For everyone with dollar signs in his eyes"

I am speaking with a Navy soldier here on the Lincoln. Sir, can you tell me what the Navy recruiter told you when you decided to join?

"He said it's a big long-term investment, and all the others have forgiven themselves. He said the net reward would justify the colossal mess you made of your life."

It is certainly very hot here in the Middle East. What is the one thing you wish you could do?

"I would climb the highest mountain... just to jump into a fountain..."

I am on the phone to Colin Powell, who put his reputation on the line stating that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Sir, now that we are in Iraq and have found no such weapons, what are your comments?

"Leave me alone, leave me alone..."

Reporting from Iraq, this is Bluff Wiltzer. We now return you to our main office in New York.

9/11 part

That was Bliff Wurlitzer, reporting from Iraq. We now take you to Washington, for a special report.

This is Steve Haircut, reporting from Washington. We are about to hear the final report of the official 9/11 Commission, charged by the President and Congress with the crucial task of explaining clearly, once and for all, just what happened on 9/11 and who is really responsible. Let's listen in:

[ several lines from Greek #3 ]

Unfortunately, the report appears to be gibberish. I am speaking now with the White House Press Secretary. Sir, the 9/11 Commission Report is complete nonsense. What is your response?

"A rich man once told me that life's a funny thing"

But sir, if the president doesn't re-open the investigation, where does that leave the American people?

"Slowly twisting... in the wind."

Part Three (6th anniversary)

It is now the sixth anniversary of the terrible events of 9/11/2001. I am speaking with Karl Rove, who has recently retired as strategy advisor to the White House. Sir, was your job becoming too boring? What was a typical day like for you?

"Do the dumb things I gotta do. Touch the puppet head."

Have you often thought about what you would like to do when you are no longer working for the Bush administration?

[ several choice lines from If I Wasn't Shy ]

Thank you Mr. Rove. We are now speaking with President George W. Bush. Mr. President, what do you believe you have accomplished in the past 6 years?

"I built a little empire out of some crazy garbage called the blood of the exploited working class"

Karl Rove recently resigned as your campaign manager. How did you and he first meet?

"A man came up to me and said 'I'd like to poison your mind with wrong ideas that appeal to you'"

Mr. President, many reputable scientists have accused you of hiding evidence from 9/11 and obstructing scientific investigation. Why would you do this?

"A microscope reveals the scope of my very best intentions"

Do you have any comment on the fact that three months before 9/11, long-standing air defense interception rules were changed to require direct authorization by the Secretary of Defense?

"Why they changed it I can't say -- people just liked it better that way"

There has been tremendous criticism of your actions, both domestically and in Iraq. Do you believe that you will ultimately be vindicated?

"History will decide"

What do you say to charges that you are a spineless would-be dictator with delusions of divinity who is being used as a puppet in an effort to destroy democracy?

"What's a man like me supposed to do... with all this extra savoir faire?"

But sir, don't you feel somewhat hypocritical about working against democratic principles while wrapping yourself in the flag?

"There's only one thing that I know how to do well, and I've often been told that you only should do what you know how to do well, and that's be you... be what you're like... be like yourself..." (interrupt: Mr. President. Mr. President? Mr. President!)

Surely by now you must be aware that your strategy in Iraq has been disastrous. Why do you persist in demanding ever-increasing troop presence there?

"No one understands -- no one knows my plan!"

Do you have any final words of encouragement for the American people?

"Let's get those missiles ready to destroy the universe!!"

Thank you Mr. President. We are now speaking with a group of protesters, who say they have a message for the president. What is your message?

"It's a long, long rope they use to hang you soon I hope, and I wonder why this hasn't happened why, why, why."

You say the President has acted criminally, but Fox News says you are just a group of alienated conspiracy wackos. Do you have any comment?

"Alienation's for the rich, and I'm feeling poorer every day."

And how do people react to the information you are trying to spread?

"Everybody's eyes are closed"

Who do you feel the most needs to be aware of your message?

"Mainstream USA, that's all I wanna say."

Thank you, sir and... what's happening here? Some men in black suits are coming up and... <fx of microphone being taken away> <agent speaks:> I'm sorry, sir, we're going to have to take you into detention for unamerican activities, including practicing free speech and the use of satire for political purposes. If you'll just come along quietly, we promise not to hurt you... at least, not while the cameras are <static, then the ending sound from Spider>

possible military interview bit

How do you think your fellow officers have been bearing up under the strain?

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical"

Fahrenheit Top 40

"I guess you're just what I needed"

"Leave it to me ... everything will be all right..."

"Nobody told me there would be days like these"

"I don't wanna know the reasons why" - F. Mac

"I don't know, I don't know" - Beatles

"This I can't believe" - Beatles

"Don't ask me why" - B. Joel

"It's not true" - P.Mc.

"Say it ain't so" -- Weezer

"You didn't hear it, you didn't see it, you won't say nothin' to no one, never tell a soul what you know is the truth You didn't hear it, you didn't see it, you never heard it, not a word of it, oh how absurd it all seems without any proof." - The Who (on WTC7 collapse?)