This Might Be Nine Eleven/notes

TMBG meets 9/11

Part One

We are here in New York City where a pair of jet airplanes have just flown into two different skyscrapers. A man on the sidewalk is running towards me. Sir, what is happening to the buildings?

(Apollo 18: Fingertips part 1) "Everything is catching on fire"

What do you think could possibly explain so much terrible airplane piloting?

(Mink Car: Man, It's So Loud in Here) "They revamped the airport completely, now it looks just like a nightclub"

And now... oh my goodness... the buildings seem to have exploded! Sir, can you describe what we just witnessed?

(Apollo 18: She's Actual Size) "Words fail -- buildings tumble"

What kind of reaction are you seeing in the street? Is there mass panic?

(Mink Car: Man, It's So Loud in Here) "Everyone's excited and confused"

I am here in the White House press room with president George W. Bush. Sir, what do you say to claims that the towers fell due to controlled demolition?

(Lincoln: Shoehorn With Teeth) "People should get beat up / for statin' their beliefs."

But sir, have you even started to look at the evidence?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Don't Let's Start) "Don't, don't, don't let's start"

And what do you believe caused the terrorists to attack us?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Youth Culture Killed My Dog) "Youth culture... youth culture"

Uh-oh -- building number seven seems to be collapsing too!

(Then: The Earlier Years: Nightgown Of The Sullen Moon") [fire alarm fx]

Vice President Dick Cheney -- can you tell us what is happening?

(John Henry: Thermostat) "I was just talking and someone interrupted... or was it a loud explosion?"

Mr. Cheney -- coming so soon after the loss of two major skyscrapers, the sudden collapse of a third is shocking news. Do you have any words of encouragement for the American people?

(Then: The Earlier Years: The Big Big Whoredom) "It ain't so bad as you paint it."

Well, it's certainly very fortunate that nobody was in the building when it fell. But sir, building number seven was not hit by an airplane. Why did it fall down?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Don't Let's Start) "Don't, don't, don't let's start -- I've got a weak heart"

Very well, sir. Let's turn to the rescue and recovery efforts. What do you think is the most important thing we need to look for?

(Lincoln: They'll Need a Crane) "They'll need a crane -- they'll need a crane -- to pick the broken ruins up again"

I'm sure that's true, but I was thinking more of what evidence we should be looking for in the ruins. Do you have any suggestions?

(Factory Showroom: Metal Detector) "My metal detector is with me all of the time."

The demolition workers have begun taking the ruins apart with a crane, but everything seems to be pulverized into tiny particles. I am speaking to the demolition workers now. Sirs, who could possibly have survived such a terrible explosion?

(Flood: Particle Man) "Particle Man, Particle Man"

I have here Mr. Rudolf Giuliani, Mayor of New York City. Sir, where will you be taking the evidence for analysis?

(Lincoln: Where Your Eyes Don't Go) "Where your eyes don't go"

How do you think people will react to the results?

(Lincoln: Where Your Eyes Don't Go) "It's a nightmare that you'll never be discovering"

Sir, don't you think that the evidence should be carefully inspected before it is hauled off for recycling?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Don't Let's Start) "Don't, don't, don't let's start"

Without inspecting the evidence, how can we even be sure that the perpetrators are foreign rather than domestic?

(Factory Showroom: New York City) "'cause everyone's your friend in New York City"

The President is playing a video of a man who is supposedly Osama bin Laden. Let's listen in:

(Then: The Earlier Years: I'll Sink Manhattan) "I'll sink Manhattan... right under the sea"

Mr. President, the man in the video doesn't look very much like Osama. How could this possibly be him?

(Apollo 18: Hypnotist of Ladies) "Heeeeee....'s a hypnotist"

But sir, comparing this man's features to file photos of bin Laden, how can you say that they look at all similar?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Don't Let's Start) "Don't, don't, don't let's start"

Sir, don't you think that if you persistently block inquiry into today's events, that there will eventually be consequences for your administration?

(Then: The Earlier Years: She's an Angel) "These things happen to other people"

We would like to continue this report, but unfortunately it appears that we are not allowed to mention a letter we just received on penalty of fines, imprisonment, and this recording being deleted from the inter[static]

(No!: Robot Parade) [fading in over static, which fades out] "Robot parade... robot parade... wave the flags that the robots made. Robot parade.. robot parade... robots obey what the children say."

Part Two (Mission Accomplished - TMBG in Iraq)

scene 1: Iraq

We are here on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, where president George W. Bush has just declared victory in the United States invasion of Iraq. I am speaking with the White House Press Secretary. Sir, how would you assess the mood of those present here?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Nothing's Gonna Change My Clothes) "All the people are so happy now, their heads are cavin' in"

Can you tell us anything about President Bush's plan for the future of Iraq?

(Factory Showroom: Spiraling Shape) "Nobody knows what it's really like, but everyone says it's great"

What can you tell us about relations between the United States and the Iraqi people?

(Factory Showroom: Pet Name) "We'd almost figured out how we'd get along"

I am speaking to a Fox News reporter embedded with the US Army in Baghdad. Can you tell me what was happening in the Iraqi capital city while we have been celebrating the American victory here on board the Lincoln?

(Then: The Earlier Years: The Day) "The trees all waved their giant arms... and happiness bled... from every street corner... and bi-planes bombed with fluffy pillows."

I am now speaking by internet phone with an independent blogger who has been living in Iraq for the past year. Hello, is this a good connection?

(Factory Showroom: I Can Hear You) "I can hear you... just barely hear you... I can just barely hear you"

Can you tell me what you saw in Baghdad during the American victory celebration?

(Flood: Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love) "Pistol shots... gun shots... bullets from a gun... bullets through the atmosphere... here they come"

Are you saying that the bells of victory are perhaps ringing prematurely, and that people are unaware that armed conflict is likely to continue?"

(John Henry: The Bells Are Ringing) "They are persuaded by the music of the bells... they're not responsible for anything they do..."

And for whom would you say this battle is truly being fought?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Rhythm Section Want Ad) "For everyone with dollar signs in his eyes"

I am speaking with a Navy soldier here on the Lincoln. Sir, can you tell me what the Navy recruiter told you when you decided to join?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Hey, Mr. DJ, I Thought You Said We Had A Deal) "He said to think long-term investment, and all the others have forgiven themselves. He said the net reward would justify the colossal mess they made of their lives."

It is certainly very hot here in the Middle East. What is the one thing you wish you could do?

(Lincoln: Piece of Dirt) "I would climb the highest mountain... just to jump into a fountain..."

How do you think your fellow officers have been bearing up under the strain?

(John Henry: I Should Be Allowed to Think) "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical"

I am on the phone to Colin Powell, who put his reputation on the line stating that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Sir, now that we are in Iraq and have found no such weapons, what are your comments?

(Apollo 18: Fingertips part 10) "Leave me alone, leave me alone..."

Reporting from Iraq, this is Bluff Wiltzer. We now return you to our main office in New York.

scene 2: 9/11

That was Bliff Wurlitzer, reporting from Iraq. We now take you to Washington, for a special report.

This is Steve Haircut, reporting in style from Washington. We are about to hear the final report of the official 9/11 Commission, charged by the President and Congress with the crucial task of explaining clearly, once and for all, just what happened on 9/11 and who is really responsible. Let's listen in:

(Then: The Earlier Years: Greek Number Three) [ the last few lines ]

Unfortunately, the report appears to be somewhat difficult to understand. I am speaking now with the White House Press Secretary. Sir, with regard to the 9/11 Commission Report, can you help explain your thinking to the American public?

(John Henry: Unrelated Thing) "I was thinking of an unrelated thing."

Does the administration have any kind of strategy for dealing with its utter failure to properly investigate this terrible tragedy?

(The Else: Feign Amnesia) "I'll look busy just for you, and feign amnesia."

Where exactly would you say this situation leaves the American people?

(tmbw:Flood: Twisting) "Slowly twisting... in the wind."

I'm Steve Haircut, reporting in character.

Thank you, Steve, for that characteristically fashionable report from Washington. Part three of our report will be available on the internet shortly, and will remain available for download until the NSA discovers it in their data-mine and informs the RIAA. Thank you for listening, and please remember to burn or shred this file. If asked, our web server will disavow any knowledge of your existence.

(John Henry: Spy) "Spyyyyyy!!!"

Part Three (6th anniversary)

It is now the sixth anniversary of the terrible events of 9/11/2001. I am speaking with Karl Rove, who has recently retired as strategy advisor to the White House. Sir, was your job becoming too boring? What was a typical day like for you?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head) "Do the dumb things I gotta do. Touch the puppet head."

Have you often thought about what you would like to do when you are no longer working for the Bush administration?

(Apollo 18: If I Wasn't Shy) "I'd burn all the uniforms, I'd burn all the 'ask me' buttons, I'd burn all the intercoms, I'd burn all the time-clock cards"

How would you describe your accomplishments for the administration?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Everything Right Is Wrong Again) "Everything right is wrong again."

Thank you Mr. Rove. We are now speaking with President George W. Bush. Mr. President, what do you believe you have accomplished in the past 6 years?

(Lincoln: Kiss Me, Son of God) "I built a little empire out of some crazy garbage called the blood of the exploited working class"

Karl Rove recently resigned as your campaign manager. How did you and he first meet?

(Flood: Whistling in the Dark (edited)) "A man came up to me and said 'I'd like to poison your mind with wrong ideas that appeal to you'"

Mr. President, many reputable scientists have accused you of hiding evidence from 9/11 and obstructing scientific investigation. Can you explain what you have against proper scientific procedure?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Birds Fly) "A microscope reveals the scope of my very best intentions"

Do you have any comment on the fact that three months before 9/11, long-standing air defense interception rules were changed to require direct authorization by the Secretary of Defense?

(Lincoln: Istanbul (not Constantinople)) "Why they changed it I can't say -- people just liked it better that way"

There has been tremendous criticism of your actions, both domestically and in Iraq. Do you believe that you will ultimately be vindicated?

(Factory Showroom: XTC vs. Adam Ant) "History will decide"

What do you say to charges that you are a spineless would-be dictator with delusions of divinity who is being used as a puppet in an effort to destroy democracy?

(John Henry: Extra Savoir Faire) "What's a man like me supposed to do... with all this extra savoir faire?"

But sir, don't you feel somewhat hypocritical about working against democratic principles while wrapping yourself in the flag?

(Flood: Whistling in the Dark) "There's only one thing that I know how to do well, and I've often been told that you only should do what you know how to do well, and that's be you... be what you're like... be like yourself..."

[interrupts] Mr. President. Mr. President? Mr. President!

Surely by now you must be aware that your strategy in Iraq has been disastrous. Why do you persist in demanding ever-increasing troop presence there?

(John Henry: No One Knows My Plan) "No one understands -- no one knows my plan!"

Do you have any final words of encouragement for the American people?

(Then: The Earlier Years: For Science) "Let's get those missiles ready to destroy the universe!!"

Thank you Mr. President. We are now speaking with a group of protesters, who say they have a message for the president. What is your message?

(Then: The Earlier Years: I Hope That I Get Old Before I Die) "It's a long, long rope they use to hang you soon I hope, and I wonder why this hasn't happened why, why, why."

You say the President has acted criminally, but Fox News says you are just a group of alienated conspiracy wackos. Do you have any comment?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Alienation's for the Rich) "Alienation's for the rich, and I'm feeling poorer every day."

And how do people react to the information you are trying to spread?

(Flood: Hot Cha) "Everybody's eyes are closed"

Who do you feel the most needs to be aware of your message?

(Then: The Earlier Years: Mainstream USA (edited)) "Mainstream USA, that's all I wanna say."

Thank you, sir and... what's happening here? Some men in black suits are coming up and... <fx of microphone being taken away> <agent speaks:> I'm sorry, sir, we're going to have to take you into detention for unamerican activities, including practicing free speech and the use of satire for political purposes. If you'll just come along quietly, we promise not to hurt you... at least, not while the cameras are

[static]

(Apollo 18: Spider) [ ending "awwwwww..." and boom/rumble ]