Emoblog/2019/02/24/Grief II Journal: Difference between revisions
(Created page with "==08:42== I've come full circle to feeling [https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rem/socentralrain.html this] again, 35 yeas later. Every time I try to resign myself to the new-ol...") |
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(Relevant but non-explanatory posts: [https://toot.cat/@woozle/101649780347566455 2/24 evening], [https://toot.cat/@woozle/101652754403214877 2/25 morning]) | |||
==08:42== | ==08:42== | ||
I've come full circle to feeling [https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rem/socentralrain.html this] again, 35 yeas later. | I've come full circle to feeling [https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rem/socentralrain.html this] again, 35 yeas later. | ||
Every time I try to resign myself to the new-old reality | Every time I try to resign myself to the new-old reality*, I come back to the thought that I've made a terrible mistake, that I ''shouldn't'' resign myself. | ||
But I don't know what I could really feasibly do. | But I don't know what I could really feasibly do. | ||
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Have I hit the bottom yet, or am I still falling? | Have I hit the bottom yet, or am I still falling? | ||
<nowiki>*</nowiki>It's a new reality which is really just the old reality after falling down from trying to reach a better one. The worst part is that I thought I'd reached it safely. | |||
==08:55== | |||
I thought maybe I was just being melodramatic when I said I didn't know who I'd be without her. So silly. I'll just be who I was ''before'' her, of course. | |||
Reality: I don't know who I am now. | |||
==09:00== | |||
I also can't escape the thought that this was my last chance for deep connection. ...but at least there I also can't avoid remembering that I really wasn't ready to seek it out until the last year or two. So statistically, it's not as unlikely as the ratio of 3:53 (deep connections:years lived) might suggest. I'll cling to that bit of flotsam for now. | |||
Latest revision as of 13:02, 2 March 2019
(Relevant but non-explanatory posts: 2/24 evening, 2/25 morning)
08:42
I've come full circle to feeling this again, 35 yeas later.
Every time I try to resign myself to the new-old reality*, I come back to the thought that I've made a terrible mistake, that I shouldn't resign myself.
But I don't know what I could really feasibly do.
So many things are triggers now. Sitting down at keyboard, looking at Discord, looking at my phone.
It happened yesterday evening, so I guess this is Day 1.
Have I hit the bottom yet, or am I still falling?
*It's a new reality which is really just the old reality after falling down from trying to reach a better one. The worst part is that I thought I'd reached it safely.
08:55
I thought maybe I was just being melodramatic when I said I didn't know who I'd be without her. So silly. I'll just be who I was before her, of course.
Reality: I don't know who I am now.
09:00
I also can't escape the thought that this was my last chance for deep connection. ...but at least there I also can't avoid remembering that I really wasn't ready to seek it out until the last year or two. So statistically, it's not as unlikely as the ratio of 3:53 (deep connections:years lived) might suggest. I'll cling to that bit of flotsam for now.