Emoblog/2019/02/24/Grief II Journal
I've come full circle to feeling this again, 35 yeas later.
Every time I try to resign myself to the new-old reality*, I come back to the thought that I've made a terrible mistake, that I shouldn't resign myself.
But I don't know what I could really feasibly do.
So many things are triggers now. Sitting down at keyboard, looking at Discord, looking at my phone.
It happened yesterday evening, so I guess this is Day 1.
Have I hit the bottom yet, or am I still falling?
*It's a new reality which is really just the old reality after falling down from trying to reach a better one. The worst part is that I thought I'd reached it safely.
I thought maybe I was just being melodramatic when I said I didn't know who I'd be without her. So silly. I'll just be who I was before her, of course.
Reality: I don't know who I am now.
I also can't escape the thought that this was my last chance for deep connection. ...but at least there I also can't avoid remembering that I really wasn't ready to seek it out until the last year or two. So statistically, it's not as unlikely as the ratio of 3:53 (deep connections:years lived) might suggest. I'll cling to that bit of flotsam for now.