Me/brilliant genius girl

I remember when I was about 13 or 14 there was an article in the paper about this girl who was really brilliant and had started college at age 12... and I remember feeling this crushing feeling of inadequacy that I couldn't explain.

At the time, I couldn't properly analyze it, because it led to places I wasn't allowed to think of – but now I understand: I wanted to be her, to be like her. I can imagine feeling positive enough about myself as a girl that I could have overcome the other issues I was dealing with – mainly ADHD-PI – and actually succeeded academically, rather than floundering and failing.

On top of the dysphoria itself, though, I just couldn't get motivated to achieve anything when the result would be that I'd be seen as a smart, successful boy.

But being a smart, successful girl... yes. That would have been something worth being. I would be the girl who gave literally zero fucks about gendered expectations. I would be the girl who didn't wear earrings or pink clothes or jewelry – but I'd still have my hair long, because I like it that way. I'd be the girl who knew more about physics and math than most of the boys did, because physics and math let you actually do things – unlike sports, which accomplishes exactly nothing. I'd have been the mad genius programmer geek chick from hell, with a mad science lab in the basement, a massive SF collection, and computer-generated artwork on the walls.

I would have been the girl nobody could ever possibly forget, because what girl does all those things?

But that's all pretty typical for boys.