Me/CV/corp

Woozle's Horrible No-Good, Very Bad Résumé

or, why we almost certainly are not a good "fit" for each other

Executive Summary

I loathe self-promotion, so I'm not going to try to shoehorn my history into something conventional-looking. If that's what you're looking for, you can toss this one out without reading any further. Have a nice day.

If you're looking for someone with academic degrees or other formal qualifications, I won't waste any more of your time: I don't have any. I was dealing with intense depression for the year and a half I went to college, failed miserably, and soon found that I enjoyed being paid to code rather more than paying to be told I'm inadequate.

Immediate Requirements:

• Workplace must be a safe space with a culture that is supportive of diversity and the practicalities of getting work done.
• I enjoy making people's lives better by solving problems. I also like being paid a living wage or better. I am willing to work for the greater benefit of the plutonomy (i.e. against the public good), but it will cost extra. My fee for enriching your investors through my work starts at $120/hour and goes upward for larger companies; endeavors of a less parasitical nature may negotiate downward from there. (I will obviously want to know more about how your company or work is beneficial, how any profit is shared, etc.)
• I prefer to work remotely, but am open to other arrangements if there is a good reason for doing things differently.
• I am not open to relocation on a permanent basis, though I might consider temporary relocation for a span of time. (This does, however, raise the price.)
• I do not make phone calls. I do not answer phone calls. Business communication belongs in text and non-ephemeral media.

Long-Term Requirements — These are not deal-breakers, but if they are a problem I will agitate whenever I bump into them:

• I am allergic to BS, especially the authoritarian varieties.
• No cube-farms, no compulsory meetings for no apparent reason, no power-games or headgames.
• Must use good collaborative software (project management, wiki, chat, etc.) and have good channels of communication.
• No deep/sacred hierarchies. No "performance"-worship. There must be respect for the long-term sustainability of the enterprise.
• Needs and requirements for any given project, or the impetus for evaluating needs and requirements, must be stated clearly and must not arbitrarily change.

How I can help:

• I design software/business systems and subsystems, either solo or as part of a team.
• I can produce documentation to any required level of detail, and beyond.
• I'm deeply into PHP and fluent in SQL (especially MySQL), with at least 5-10 k hours of coding time (best guess).
• I am intimately familiar with Linux system administration, especially the LAMP stack, though I'm still struggling with proper configuration of SMTP servers such as Postfix.
• I typically learn new technologies by using them, so am willing to attempt whatever other tools you might need me to become familiar with; in return, I will let you know if I see any better options.

History

A full history of my computing experience is here.

Further Reading

• Developer hiring and the market for lemons "...almost [every employer] uses the same filters [for screening applicants], so everyone ends up fighting over the 30 people who they think are solid. When people do randomized trials on what actually causes resumes to get filtered out, it often turns out that traits that are tangentially related or unrelated to job performance make huge differences."
• Normalization of deviance in software: how broken practices become standard
• 2017-07-24 12+ Ways Job Applications Discriminate Against Applicants: you're always up against the "cream of the crop", and what constitutes "cream" can be quite arbitrary
• 2014-06 Inside the Mirrortocracy