Mister Virus

with many contributions by Harena

Script

Virus 1 (& governor)

Reporter: We are here on the beach where a deadly microscopic virus has just eaten 80,000 people. Mr. Virus, how do you feel?

Joe Walsh: ♪ Life's been good to me so far ♪

Reporter: And how do you feel about plans to reopen businesses across the country?"

KC & Sunshine Band: ♪ That's the way (uh huh uh huh) I like it (uh huh uh huh) ♪

Reporter: Medical professionals everywhere say we need to be more vigilant in fighting your spread, What do you think?

War: ♪ Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends ♪

Reporter: The Republican governor of South Georgissippiana is making an announcement. Let's listen:

Sam Cooke: ♪ Don't know much about history / don't know much biology / don't know much about a science book ♪

Reporter: Mr. Virus, what do you think of that?

KC & Sunshine Band: ♪ That's the way (uh huh uh huh) I like it (uh huh uh huh) ♪

Fauci

Reporter: Dr. Ouchi, if someone is infected by the coronavirus, what should they do?

Men Without Hats: ♪ The safety dance ♪

Reporter: What is the first thing that needs to happen?}}

Thunderclap Newman: ♪ Lock up the streets and houses, because there's something in the air ♪

Reporter: How are you advising people with regard to large gatherings and crowded stores?

Nirvana: ♪ Stay awayyyy! ♪

Reporter: Given the denialism about the seriousness of the virus, why do you keep hoping that the administration will do the right thing?}}

Ozzy Osbourne: ♪ I'm just a dreamer... who dreams of better days ♪

Reporter: So you are continuing to push for better public health policy?

Cars: ♪ It's all I can do ♪

Reporter: What would you say about how the White House has been handling this crisis?

Alan Parsons: ♪ Something's wrong in this house today / something's been going on, there may be a price to pay. ♪

Reporter: Exactly what type of virus is this?

Cars: ♪ The dangerous type ♪

Reporter: Do you feel that we're making any progress against the virus, or is it going to be a long battle?

Carpenters: ♪ We've only just begun. ♪

Reporter: Thank you, Dr. Ouchi.

President

Reporter: I am now speaking with United States president Dumpster McTrumpster. Sir, how has your administration been handling this crisis?

Queen: ♪ We are the champions, my friend ♪

Reporter: How do you respond to people who say we need to be more vigilant against the virus?}}

Ok Go: ♪ Let it go, this too shall pass ♪

Reporter: But how can you possibly say that, given all the devastation which has happened because of your inaction?

Paul Simon: ♪ I’ve got the presidential seal / I’m up on the presidential podium ♪

Reporter: How do you plan to deal with the lack of virus testing kits?

Rolling Stones: ♪ You can't always get what you want. ♪

Reporter: But Mr. McTweeter, isn't it your job to help protect the public welfare and ensure that everyone cat get a test if they need one?}}

Badfinger: ♪ If you want it, here it is, come and get it ♪

Reporter: But surely your administration's lack of action will result in thousands of unnecessary deaths?

Queen: ♪ Easy come, easy go ♪

Reporter: And yet you claim that things will soon be better. How can we possibly believe you?

Eurythmics: ♪ Would I lie to you? Would I lie to you? Would I say something that wasn't true? I'm asking you sugar, would I lie to you? ♪

Reporter: Thank you, Mr. McTweetybird.

Pepsi

Reporter: I am now speaking with Mr. Charles Pepsi, founder of the SMART ALEC business coalition. Mr. Pepsi, what do you feel people should be doing with regard to the health of the local economy?

Stevie Wonder: ♪ Livin' just enough... just enough... for the city. ♪

Reporter: How would you describe the economy right now?

Tom Petty: ♪ Free fallin' ♪

Reporter: And yet your stock portfolio seems to be going up.

Journey: ♪ Some will win, some will lose / Some are born to sing the blues ♪

Reporter: In the face of so many illnesses and deaths, how does your organization plan to keep drumming up public support for re-opening business?

John Lennon: ♪ Keep on playing those mind games... forever... ♪

Reporter: Thank you, Mr. Pepsi.

Isolated

Reporter: I am speaking with someone who has been living alone since the pandemic began. Is there one word you would choose to describe your life right now?

John Lennon: ♪ Isolation ♪

Reporter: And how would you describe your weekly routine?}}

10k Maniacs: ♪ Every day is like Sunday ♪

Reporter: How long have you been living like this?}}

Billy Joel: ♪ Whoaa.... for the longest time ♪

Reporter: How do you feel about the current situation?

Kinks: ♪ I don't feel safe in this world no more ♪

Reporter: Is there anything you'd like to do right now?

Lenny Kravitz: ♪ I want to fly away ♪

Reporter: Do you think that businesses should start reopening, so this can all be over?

Lenny Kravitz: ♪ Honey it ain't over 'til it's over ♪

Reporter: Until that happens, where can we find you?

Alice in Chains: ♪ You'll find me sitting by myself ♪

Reporter: Thank you for your time.

Quarantined

Reporter: I'm speaking with someone who is currently in quarantine with the virus. Can you tell me how it started?

Todd Rundgren: ♪ It was late... last night... I was feeling something wasn't right... ♪

Reporter: And how do you feel now?

Tommy Roe: ♪ I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning ♪

Reporter: What would you say to your concerned friends and family who would like to help?

Tom Petty: ♪ Don't come around here no more ♪

Reporter: Looking back at how things were before the lockdown, how do you feel?

Mary Hopkin: ♪ Those were the days, my friend, we thought they'd never end, we'd sing and dance forever and a day... [keeps going] ♪

Reporter: Thank you... uh, thank you... Excuse me? [music ends] Reporter: Do you have anything to say to the people protesting the lockdown?

Linda Ronstadt: ♪ You're no good, you're no good, baby you're no good ♪

Reporter: And how do you feel about the politicians who want to force people back to work?

Reopeners

Reporter: I see a crowd of people protesting the lockdown -- folks, can you tell me how you feel about government efforts to inform and protect the public during this crisis?

Pink Floyd: ♪ We don't need no education... we don't need no thought control... ♪

Reporter: But don't you think it's at least prudent to wear masks and not gather in crowds?

Supertramp: ♪ Watch what you say, or I'll be calling you a radical -- a liberal -- oh, fanatical, criminal ♪

Reporter: Every major public health organization in the world says that we need to maintain lockdown until we have more tests. How can you argue against that?

Jefferson Starship: ♪ If only you believe like I believe, we'd get by... ♪

Virus 2

Reporter: Mr. Virus, as you look out over the crowds of people beginning to gather once again on beaches and in restaurants, what do you see?}}

REM: ♪ Shiny happy people holding hands ♪

Reporter: Is there anything you'd like to tell them to do?

Beatles: ♪ Come together -- right now -- over me. ♪

Reporter: And do you have any final thoughts?

Jonathan Coulton: ♪ I feel fantastic and I'm still alive / and while you're dying I'll be still alive / and when you're dead I will be still alive... ♪

Notes

sail away, Mind Games