Unfinished humor

Mr. Obama

We are here at the White House where President Obama is responding to reports that the NSA has been engaged in massive domestic spying. Mr. President, how would you summarize this program?

(Alan Parsons) "I am the eye in the sky... looking at you, I can read your mind."

Exactly what information are you looking for?

(Beatles) "Every little thing"

Just how is this information collected?

(ELO) "as you speak everything you do or say... goes out on a big transmitter."

That must be an enormous amount of information to handle. How do you know when to stop listening?

(The Fixx) You tell me something wrong, I know I listen too long

In that case, why is the program still continuing to collect massive amounts of private data without a warrant?

(The Fixx) One thing leads to another, yeah yeah.

But is it not true, Mr. President, that this program violates the Constitution?

(Paul McCartney) "It's not true."

But as a Constitutional scholar who campaigned for the presidency on a platform of upholding the rule of law, how can you justify this massive acquisition of private data?

(Tom Petty) "I need to know (I need to know) I need to know (I need to know) I need to know right now..."

But what do you think of whistleblower Edward Snowden, who informed the American public about this program?

(TMBG) "Spy! Spy! Spy! Spy! Spy! Spy! Spy! Spy!"

Given your many campaign promises to support and protect whistleblowers, can you explain your treatment of not only Mr. Snowden but also Private Bradley Manning, who revealed American war crimes?

(Nick Lowe) "You've got to be cruel to be kind"

But sir, you locked him in solitary confinement and are now vigorously prosecuting him, while those who committed the war crimes revealed by him remain completely unpunished. Why are you doing this?

(Jim Croce) "'Cause he's bad (bad) bad (bad) bad (bad)..." [loop]

Mr. President... Mr. President? Mr. President! [loop stops] But how do you reconcile your current actions with your many campaign promises to support and protect whistleblowers?

(Stevie Wonder) "now it seems / those yester-dreams / were just a cruel and foolish game we had to play"

Can you tell us why the spying program was kept from the American public?

(Alan Parsons) "We're two of a kind -- silence and I"

But sir, don't you think that it's important for the government to describe its activities to the voting public?

(Depeche Mode) "Words are very / unnecessary / they can only do harm."

And what do you say to critics who argue that all this extralegal government spying has a chilling effect on free speech?

(Depeche Mode) "It's just time to pay the price / For not listening to advice / And deciding in your youth / On the policy of truth"

Mr. President, exactly what is your position on government transparency?

(Michael Penn) "I go invisible"

Wait, what's happening? Oh my goodness, the President seems to have vanished! Sir, if you can still hear me, where are you going?

(REM) "I'm breaking through, I'm bending spoons, I'm keeping flowers in full bloom, I'm looking for answers from the great beyond"

But sir, in your absence, to whom should we look for leadership?

(King Crimson) "Twenty-first century schizoid man"

And... oh my goodness, what's happening now? The entire federal government seems to be vanishing as well, and an enormous television is appearing in its place! The television is playing an announcement --

(Frank Zappa) "You will obey me while I lead you / And eat the garbage that I feed you / Until the day that we don't need you / Don't go for help . . . no one will heed you / Your mind is totally controlled / It has been stuffed into my mold / And you will do as you are told / Until the rights to you are sold"

Wait, Mr. Television -- are you saying that the government is being controlled by commercial interests, and that there is nothing we can do about it?

(Frank Zappa) "That's right, folks -- Don't touch that dial!"

Wait... what's this? Oh no, I'm being attacked by neoconservative media zombies with advanced brainwashing tools! That's not the way this recording is supposed to end! Help, help, Fast and Furious Benghazi gay agenda, global warming conspiracy moon landing hoax! Liberal fascism and militant atheist dogma! [bubbling noises]

snippets

Is there anything you would like to tell him?

(Tom Petty) "You don't... have... to live like a refugee"

But is it not true that if Snowden returned to American soil, he would face federal charges?

(JCSS) "We have the papers we need to arrest him. You know his movements -- we know the law."

If the American public were allowed to visit Guantanamo Bay, what would they see?

(REM) "Shiny happy people holding hands"

When you employ torture -- er, I mean "enhanced interrogation" techniques -- at Guantanamo, what is the general nature of the questions you ask?

(Jeff Lynne) "Tell me every little thing... that makes you happy"

Many critics of your administration say that you have not been responsive to the needs of the public.

It is often claimed that you are essentially controlled by big industry groups such as the American Legislative Exchange Council, Koch Industries, Monsanto, the Bank of America, and JPMorgan Chase. Do you have

"

We are now speaking with Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks. Mr. Assange, what is your reaction to the comments from the White House?

(Alan Parsons) "Something's wrong in this house today. Something's been going on, there may be a price to pay."

Fahrenheit Top 40

"I guess you're just what I needed"

"Leave it to me ... everything will be all right..."

"Nobody told me there would be days like these"

"I don't wanna know the reasons why" - F. Mac

"I don't know, I don't know" - Beatles

"This I can't believe" - Beatles

"Don't ask me why" - B. Joel

"It's not true" - P.Mc.

"Say it ain't so" -- Weezer

"You didn't hear it, you didn't see it, you won't say nothin' to no one, never tell a soul what you know is the truth You didn't hear it, you didn't see it, you never heard it, not a word of it, oh how absurd it all seems without any proof." - The Who (on WTC7 collapse?)