Unfinished humor

Mr. Obama

We are here at the White House where President Obama is responding to reports that the NSA has been engaged in massive domestic spying. Mr. President, how would you summarize this program?

(Alan Parsons) "I am the eye in the sky... looking at you, I can read your mind."

Exactly what information are you looking for?

(Beatles) "Every little thing"

Just how is this information collected?

(ELO) "as you speak everything you do or say... goes out on a big transmitter."

That must be an enormous amount of information to handle. How do you know when to stop listening?

(The Fixx) You tell me something wrong, I know I listen too long

In that case, why is the program still continuing to collect massive amounts of private data without a warrant?

(The Fixx) One thing leads to another, yeah yeah.

But is it not true, Mr. President, that this program violates the Constitution?

(Paul McCartney) "It's not true."

But as a Constitutional scholar who campaigned for the presidency on a platform of upholding the rule of law, how can you justify this massive aquisition of private data?

(Tom Petty) "I need to know (I need to know) I need to know (I need to know) I need to know right now..."

But what do you think of whistleblower Edward Snowden, who informed the American public about this program?

(TMBG) "Spy! Spy! Spy! Spy! Spy! Spy! Spy! Spy!"

Given your many campaign promises to support and protect whistleblowers, can you explain your treatment of not only Mr. Snowden but also Private Bradley Manning, who revealed American war crimes?

(Nick Lowe) "You've got to be cruel to be kind"

But sir, you locked him in solitary confinement and are now vigorously prosecuting him, while those who committed the war crimes revealed by him remain completely unpunished. Why are you doing this?

(Jim Croce) "'Cause he's bad (bad) bad (bad) bad (bad)..." [loop]

Mr. President... Mr. President? Mr. President! [loop stops] But how do you reconcile your current actions with your many campaign promises to support and protect whistleblowers?

(Stevie Wonder) "now it seems / those yester-dreams / were just a cruel and foolish game we had to play"

Can you tell us why the spying program was kept from the American public?

(Alan Parsons) "We're two of a kind -- silence and I"

Mr. President, what is your position on government transparency?

(Michael Penn) "I go invisible"

snippets

Is there anything you would like to tell him?

(Tom Petty) "You don't... have... to live like a refugee"

But is it not true that if Snowden returned to American soil, he would face federal charges?

(JCSS) "We have the papers we need to arrest him. You know his movements -- we know the law."

If the American public were allowed to visit Guantanamo Bay, what would they see?

(REM) "Shiny happy people holding hands"

When you employ torture -- er, I mean "enhanced interrogation" techniques -- at Guantanamo, what is the general nature of the questions you ask?

(Jeff Lynne) "Tell me every little thing... that makes you happy"

Many critics of your administration say that you have not been responsive to the needs of the public.

It is often claimed that you are essentially controlled by big industry groups such as the American Legislative Exchange Council, Koch Industries, Monsanto, the Bank of America, and JPMorgan Chase. Do you have

"

We are now speaking with Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks. Mr. Assange, what is your reaction to the comments from the White House?

(Alan Parsons) "Something's wrong in this house today. Something's been going on, there may be a price to pay."

We would like to continue this interview, but unfortunately we are not allowed to mention a letter we just received on penalty of this recording being deleted from the inter[static]