Me/asexual

I've never been into sex (as in intercourse). There was a time when I thought maybe I was interested in it, but in retrospect I was just hoping it would make me feel less dysphoric (as did cuddling with cisfemale people, once I had opportunity to do that)... and that vague interest was never sufficient to overcome my terror of pregnancy and general distaste for male parts.

After I moved away from home and had my own space, a cisfem friend and I were intimate with each other over the space of several years, and we just cuddled and explored a little.

Only later did I realize that this basically disproved a thing I had long worried about: that there was this inner male nature lurking within me and which defined the real motives for my actions, regardless of what I thought they were, and that what it wanted was sex because "that's what guys want". Five years of opportunity to talk someone into sex, and I never once tried. So. Hypothesis ruled out.

And... to shorten a longer story, I'll just say that I later discovered that while I could enjoy intercourse in an immediate sense, it left me feeling empty and slightly effed up emotionally.

Even given all this, it has taken me a long time to work around to the idea that asexual cuddling really is okay. I think a large part of why it took so long was dysphoria, too – partly from having the wrong set of hormones (testosterone really really wants you to think about gendered body-parts) and partly from having the wrong body-shape myself (certain things getting in the way all the time really kind of ruined the experience, as well as feeling gross and ugly). Physical transition was absolutely vital for me to be able to feel at ease around my own physical existence.

After SRS, I find that I'm even more open to cuddling and intimate touch since I no longer feel as negative about my physical existence, but I still don't feel any real interest in intercourse (which is a good thing, since I chose the "limited" surgery option which makes that pretty much impossible anyway).

I think at this point I just want mutual leaning and cuddling with another sentient life-form whose self I admire. Or something.

Also, brain-flirting is fun.