For Your Protection

Words

This bottle is sealed
for your protection
It requires a torque of approximately 374 newton-meters
combined with a force of 37 kilograms
in order to access the contents
which might be dangerous if used improperly.
We cannot be held liable for any injury incurred during this process,
and we apologize for the inconvenience.

Note that the razor-wire encircling the inner chamber
is there to prevent improper use of this product
by children, adults, or anyone else with skin
due to the inherent high risks involved.

Please also be aware that the guided nuclear missiles
now closing on your location at potentially alarming speed
were launched with the utmost care and consideration for your health and safety
and should not be considered to be cause for alarm.

Any ensuing destruction of property or unintended casualties
are legally the responsibility of the consumer
and in the event that the consumer
regrets their choice of product and their decision to attempt to use it
any disputes must be settled by private arbitration
by our favorite arbitrator
he's great, we really like him
he helps us out a lot
and you should like him too
because he's just really nice.
He is always so friendly and welcoming
as he helps you to agree to the terms we have chosen
as being the very best possible terms
for everyone involved
with priority given, where necessary,
to the interests of our investors
as we have determined them
to the best of our ability
over a couple of beers
last Tuesday I think it was
at the office party downtown
it was great, we had a great time
the company we work for is truly great
it's an honor and a privilege to work here
and we look forward to working here
for at least a few more weeks
until the next corporate reorganization
when we will be downsized for efficiency
unless we have killed enough of our co-workers
to prove our strength and genetic fitness
and earn the right to not be culled from the herd
and help management downsize our jobs
and convert to AI
and automate all of those delicate moments when there is simply no substitute
for human judgement
because human judgement is obsolete and too expensive
so we need a substitute that is more profitable
because the investors are getting hungry
or so we are told

I don't know, I can't think of any other reason
for this psychotic behavior.
Maybe it's aliens. It could always be aliens.
Anything makes more sense than believing that people act this way by choice.
I don't understand the world
but that's okay
I just write the instructions for our products, I don't need to understand them
or what they're for
or who uses them
or what I'm talking about.

Bearing all that in mind,
Have a nice day
and be sure to give our product a 9 or 10 rating
when you answer the survey.
It really helps us.
Really.
Help.