Chain mail CV

My Profile

I've done lots and lots of really cool stuff and you desperately want to hire me. The last three companies I worked for were nowhere, nothing, nobody. They lived in a van down by the river. Then they hired me, and now they're in the Fortune 500. Another company interviewed me but didn't hire me, and went bankrupt the next day. Joe Idaho, a clerk in a small, out-of-the-way company in the midwest, found my résumé on the floor of his office, and decided to hire me. The next day, his company was bought by Microsoft for $1 billion. His wife also came back, his truck got fixed, and he sobered up. He stopped lying awake at night wondering if there was a dog, because his insomnia, dyslexia, and agnosticism were all cured.

This profile has been around the world five times. It was written by a preacher in Ethiopia, who delivered mud to a small impoverished town there. Why deliver mud? Well, this town was so incredibly poor that they couldn't even afford mud. This is just an example of the selfless dedication of this preacher. Help that preacher continue to do his work, by hiring me! If 10000 people don't hire me by midnight, there won't be enough money for the next delivery of mud, and the preacher will have to turn away the sad faces of the town's children. How can you be so selfish that you won't even let innocent children in an impoverished third-world country have mud to call their own? You disgust me. Send this message on to 10 of your friends now, pig, while you still have them, or be forever cursed. Cursed, I tell ye! Arr.