Difference between revisions of "Mister Virus"

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(Created page with "category:humor category:spoken category:break-in dialogue ==Script== <poem> '''Reporter:''' We are here on the beach where a deadly microscopic virus has just eate...")
 
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[[category:spoken]]
 
[[category:spoken]]
 
[[category:break-in dialogue]]
 
[[category:break-in dialogue]]
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''with many contributions by Harena''
 
==Script==
 
==Script==
<poem>
+
===Virus 1 (& governor)===
'''Reporter:''' We are here on the beach where a deadly microscopic virus has just eaten 80,000 people. Mr. Virus, how do you feel?
+
'''Reporter:''' We are here on the beach where a deadly microscopic virus has just come ashore in the United States and [https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/cases-updates/cases-in-us.html killed 100,000 people]. Mr. Virus, how do you feel after your long trip?
'''Joe Walsh:''' Life's been good to me so far
+
{{fmt/breakin|Joe Walsh|Life's been good to me so far}}
'''Reporter:''' And how do you feel about plans to reopen businesses across the country?"
+
'''Reporter:''' And how do you feel about plans to reopen businesses across the country?
'''KC & Sunshine Band''': That's the way (uh huh uh huh) I like it (uh huh uh huh)
+
{{fmt/breakin|KC & Sunshine Band|That's the way (uh huh uh huh) I like it (uh huh uh huh)}}
'''Reporter:''' Medical professionals everywhere say we need to be more vigilant in fighting your spread, What do you think?
+
'''Reporter:''' Medical professionals worldwide describe you as a deadly threat and say we need to be more vigilant about fighting you. What do you think?
'''War''': Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends  
+
{{fmt/breakin|War|Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends}}
'''Reporter''': The Republican governor of South Georgissippi is making an announcement. Let's listen:
+
'''Reporter''': The Republican governor of South Georgissippiana is making an announcement. Let's listen:
'''Sam Cooke''': Don't know much about history / don't know much biology / don't know much about a science book
+
{{fmt/breakin|Vandellas|Summer's here and the time is right for dancing in the street}}
 +
'''Reporter''': But sir, aren't you aware that reopening too quickly was the cause of the far larger second wave of the 1918 pandemic that killed tens of millions of people?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Sam Cooke|Don't know much about history / don't know much biology / don't know much about a science book}}
 
'''Reporter''': Mr. Virus, what do you think of that?
 
'''Reporter''': Mr. Virus, what do you think of that?
'''Alanis Morisette''' You've already won me over...
+
{{fmt/breakin|KC & Sunshine Band|That's the way (uh huh uh huh) I like it (uh huh uh huh)}}
</poem>
+
===President===
 +
'''Reporter''': I am now speaking with United States president Dumpster McTrumpster. Sir, do you feel that your administration has been doing a good job handling this crisis?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Queen|We are the champions, my friend}}
 +
'''Reporter''': How do you respond to people who say we need to be more vigilant against the virus?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Ok Go|Let it go, this too shall pass}}
 +
'''Reporter''': But how can you possibly say that, given all the devastation which has happened because of your inaction?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Paul Simon|I’ve got the presidential seal / I’m up on the presidential podium}}
 +
'''Reporter''': How do you plan to deal with the lack of virus testing kits?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Rolling Stones|You can't always get what you want.}}
 +
'''Reporter''': But Mr. McTweeter, isn't it your job to help protect the public welfare and ensure that everyone cat get a test if they need one?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Badfinger|If you want it, here it is, come and get it}}
 +
'''Reporter''': But surely your administration's lack of action will result in thousands of unnecessary deaths?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Queen|Easy come, easy go}}
 +
'''Reporter''': And yet you claim that things will soon be better. How can we possibly believe you?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Eurythmics|Would I lie to you? Would I lie to you? Would I say something that wasn't true? I'm asking you sugar, would I lie to you?}}
 +
'''Reporter''': What is your plan for defeating the virus?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Jefferson Starship|If only you believed in miracles babe, we'd get by}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Thank you, Mr. McTweetybird.
 +
===Fauci===
 +
'''Reporter''': We are now speaking with Dr. Abdomen Ouchi, leader of the White House coronavirus task force. Dr. Ouchi, if someone is infected by the coronavirus, what should they do?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Men Without Hats|The safety dance}}
 +
'''Reporter''': What is the first thing that needs to happen?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Thunderclap Newman|Lock up the streets and houses, because there's something in the air}}
 +
'''Reporter''': How are you advising people with regard to large gatherings and crowded stores?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Nirvana|Stay awayyyy! Stay awaaayyy! Stay awaaayyy!}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Given the denialism about the seriousness of the virus, how can you have any hope that this administration will do the right thing?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Ozzy Osbourne|I'm just a dreamer... who dreams of better days}}
 +
'''Reporter''': So you are continuing to push for better public health policy?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Cars|It's all I can do}}
 +
'''Reporter''': What would you say about how the White House has been handling this crisis?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Alan Parsons|Something's wrong in this house today / something's been going on, there may be a price to pay.}}
 +
'''Reporter''': I believe the President has just tweeted a response to that comment...
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Queen|[tinny] We... are the champions, my friends}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Let's talk for a bit about what we're up against. Exactly what type of virus is this?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Cars|The dangerous type}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Do you feel that we're making any progress against the virus, or is it going to be a long battle?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Carpenters|We've only just begun.}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Thank you, Dr. Ouchi.
 +
===Pepsi===
 +
'''Reporter''': I am now speaking with Mr. Charles Pepsi, founder of the SMART ALEC business coalition. Mr. Pepsi, what do you feel people should be doing with regard to the health of the local economy?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Stevie Wonder|Livin' just enough... just enough... for the city.}}
 +
'''Reporter''': How would you describe the economy right now?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Tom Petty|Free fallin'}}
 +
'''Reporter''': And yet your stock portfolio seems to be going up.
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Journey|Some will win, some will lose / Some are born to sing the blues}}
 +
'''Reporter''': In the face of so many illnesses and deaths, how does your organization plan to keep drumming up public support for re-opening business?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|John Lennon|Keep on playing those mind games... forever...}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Thank you, Mr. Pepsi.
 +
===Isolated===
 +
'''Reporter''': I am speaking with someone who has been living alone since the pandemic began. Is there one word you would choose to describe your life right now?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|John Lennon|Isolation}}
 +
'''Reporter''': And how would you describe your weekly routine?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|10k Maniacs|Every day is like Sunday}}
 +
'''Reporter''': How long have you been living like this?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Billy Joel|Whoaa.... for the longest time}}
 +
'''Reporter''': How do you feel about the current situation?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Kinks|I don't feel safe in this world no more}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Is there anything you'd like to do right now?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Lenny Kravitz|I want to fly away}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Do you think that businesses should start reopening, so this can all be over?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Lenny Kravitz|Honey it ain't over 'til it's over}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Until that happens, where can we find you?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Alice in Chains|You'll find me sitting by myself}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Thank you for your time.
 +
===Quarantined===
 +
'''Reporter''': I'm speaking with someone who is currently in quarantine with the virus. Can you tell me how it started?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Todd Rundgren|It was late... last night... I was feeling something wasn't right...}}
 +
'''Reporter''': And how do you feel now?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Allman Bros.|Good lord I feel like I'm dyin'.}}
 +
'''Reporter''': What would you say to your concerned friends and family who would like to help?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Tom Petty|Don't come around here no more}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Looking back with 2020 hindsight, how do you see the way things were before the lockdown?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Mary Hopkin|Those were the days, my friend, we thought they'd never end, we'd sing and dance forever and a day... [keeps going]}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Thank you... uh, thank you... Excuse me? [music ends] Do you have anything to say to the people protesting the lockdown, who are themselves spreading the virus by gathering in groups without protection?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Genesis|There's too many men, too many people, making too many problems / and not much love to go round. Can't you see this is a land of confusion.}}
 +
'''Reporter''': And how do you feel about the politicians who want to force people back to work?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Tracy Ullman|They don't know about us / and they've never heard of love.}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Would you say the United States healthcare system has been working for you?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Pink Floyd|You've got to be crazy}}
 +
'''Reporter''': I believe the President has just tweeted a response to that comment...
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Queen|[tinny] We... are the champions, my friends}}
 +
'''Reporter''': How would you respond to that comment? Hello? The patient seems to have fallen unconscious. I am now being approached by a tall man wearing black robes and carrying a scythe. Mr. Death, do you have any comments on how things are going for you and other workers in the underworld?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Zombies|This will be our year, took a long time to come.}}
 +
===Reopeners===
 +
'''Reporter''': Thank you, Mr. Death. I see a crowd of people out in the street protesting the lockdown -- folks, can you tell me how you feel about government efforts to inform and protect the public during this crisis?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Pink Floyd|We don't need no education... we don't need no thought control...}}
 +
'''Reporter''': But don't you think it's at least prudent to wear masks and not gather in crowds?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Supertramp|Watch what you say, or I'll be calling you a radical -- a liberal -- oh, fanatical, criminal}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Every major public health organization in the world says that we need to maintain lockdown until we have more tests. How can you argue against that?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Jefferson Starship|If only you believe like I believe, we'd get by...}}
 +
===Virus 2===
 +
'''Reporter''': Mr. Virus, as you look out over the crowds of people beginning to gather once again in the streets, on beaches, and in restaurants, what do you see?}}
 +
{{fmt/breakin|REM|Shiny happy people holding hands}}
 +
'''Reporter''': Is there anything you'd like to tell them to do?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Beatles|Come together -- right now -- over me.}}
 +
'''Reporter''': I am again being approached by the man with the scythe -- Mr. Death, why have you come back?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Manfred Mann|I came for you... I came for you...}}
 +
'''Reporter''': I am suddenly feeling dizzy and feverish... the world is spinning around me... that's not the way this recording is supposed to end! I ''wanted'' to wear a mask, but it didn't look good on camera! Mr. Virus -- we were just doing an interview! You can't be infecting me now!
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Jessica Andrews|What comes around goes around -- I'm tellin' you babeh, it's called karma}}
 +
'''Reporter''': One final question before I go [cough] -- do you have any final thoughts?
 +
{{fmt/breakin|Jonathan Coulton|I feel fantastic and I'm still alive / and while you're dying I'll be still alive / and when you're dead I will be still alive...}}

Revision as of 00:28, 24 May 2020

with many contributions by Harena

Script

Virus 1 (& governor)

Reporter: We are here on the beach where a deadly microscopic virus has just come ashore in the United States and killed 100,000 people. Mr. Virus, how do you feel after your long trip?

Joe Walsh: ♪ Life's been good to me so far ♪

Reporter: And how do you feel about plans to reopen businesses across the country?

KC & Sunshine Band: ♪ That's the way (uh huh uh huh) I like it (uh huh uh huh) ♪

Reporter: Medical professionals worldwide describe you as a deadly threat and say we need to be more vigilant about fighting you. What do you think?

War: ♪ Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends ♪

Reporter: The Republican governor of South Georgissippiana is making an announcement. Let's listen:

Vandellas: ♪ Summer's here and the time is right for dancing in the street ♪

Reporter: But sir, aren't you aware that reopening too quickly was the cause of the far larger second wave of the 1918 pandemic that killed tens of millions of people?

Sam Cooke: ♪ Don't know much about history / don't know much biology / don't know much about a science book ♪

Reporter: Mr. Virus, what do you think of that?

KC & Sunshine Band: ♪ That's the way (uh huh uh huh) I like it (uh huh uh huh) ♪

President

Reporter: I am now speaking with United States president Dumpster McTrumpster. Sir, do you feel that your administration has been doing a good job handling this crisis?

Queen: ♪ We are the champions, my friend ♪

Reporter: How do you respond to people who say we need to be more vigilant against the virus?

Ok Go: ♪ Let it go, this too shall pass ♪

Reporter: But how can you possibly say that, given all the devastation which has happened because of your inaction?

Paul Simon: ♪ I’ve got the presidential seal / I’m up on the presidential podium ♪

Reporter: How do you plan to deal with the lack of virus testing kits?

Rolling Stones: ♪ You can't always get what you want. ♪

Reporter: But Mr. McTweeter, isn't it your job to help protect the public welfare and ensure that everyone cat get a test if they need one?

Badfinger: ♪ If you want it, here it is, come and get it ♪

Reporter: But surely your administration's lack of action will result in thousands of unnecessary deaths?

Queen: ♪ Easy come, easy go ♪

Reporter: And yet you claim that things will soon be better. How can we possibly believe you?

Eurythmics: ♪ Would I lie to you? Would I lie to you? Would I say something that wasn't true? I'm asking you sugar, would I lie to you? ♪

Reporter: What is your plan for defeating the virus?

Jefferson Starship: ♪ If only you believed in miracles babe, we'd get by ♪

Reporter: Thank you, Mr. McTweetybird.

Fauci

Reporter: We are now speaking with Dr. Abdomen Ouchi, leader of the White House coronavirus task force. Dr. Ouchi, if someone is infected by the coronavirus, what should they do?

Men Without Hats: ♪ The safety dance ♪

Reporter: What is the first thing that needs to happen?

Thunderclap Newman: ♪ Lock up the streets and houses, because there's something in the air ♪

Reporter: How are you advising people with regard to large gatherings and crowded stores?

Nirvana: ♪ Stay awayyyy! Stay awaaayyy! Stay awaaayyy! ♪

Reporter: Given the denialism about the seriousness of the virus, how can you have any hope that this administration will do the right thing?

Ozzy Osbourne: ♪ I'm just a dreamer... who dreams of better days ♪

Reporter: So you are continuing to push for better public health policy?

Cars: ♪ It's all I can do ♪

Reporter: What would you say about how the White House has been handling this crisis?

Alan Parsons: ♪ Something's wrong in this house today / something's been going on, there may be a price to pay. ♪

Reporter: I believe the President has just tweeted a response to that comment...

Queen: ♪ [tinny] We... are the champions, my friends ♪

Reporter: Let's talk for a bit about what we're up against. Exactly what type of virus is this?

Cars: ♪ The dangerous type ♪

Reporter: Do you feel that we're making any progress against the virus, or is it going to be a long battle?

Carpenters: ♪ We've only just begun. ♪

Reporter: Thank you, Dr. Ouchi.

Pepsi

Reporter: I am now speaking with Mr. Charles Pepsi, founder of the SMART ALEC business coalition. Mr. Pepsi, what do you feel people should be doing with regard to the health of the local economy?

Stevie Wonder: ♪ Livin' just enough... just enough... for the city. ♪

Reporter: How would you describe the economy right now?

Tom Petty: ♪ Free fallin' ♪

Reporter: And yet your stock portfolio seems to be going up.

Journey: ♪ Some will win, some will lose / Some are born to sing the blues ♪

Reporter: In the face of so many illnesses and deaths, how does your organization plan to keep drumming up public support for re-opening business?

John Lennon: ♪ Keep on playing those mind games... forever... ♪

Reporter: Thank you, Mr. Pepsi.

Isolated

Reporter: I am speaking with someone who has been living alone since the pandemic began. Is there one word you would choose to describe your life right now?

John Lennon: ♪ Isolation ♪

Reporter: And how would you describe your weekly routine?

10k Maniacs: ♪ Every day is like Sunday ♪

Reporter: How long have you been living like this?

Billy Joel: ♪ Whoaa.... for the longest time ♪

Reporter: How do you feel about the current situation?

Kinks: ♪ I don't feel safe in this world no more ♪

Reporter: Is there anything you'd like to do right now?

Lenny Kravitz: ♪ I want to fly away ♪

Reporter: Do you think that businesses should start reopening, so this can all be over?

Lenny Kravitz: ♪ Honey it ain't over 'til it's over ♪

Reporter: Until that happens, where can we find you?

Alice in Chains: ♪ You'll find me sitting by myself ♪

Reporter: Thank you for your time.

Quarantined

Reporter: I'm speaking with someone who is currently in quarantine with the virus. Can you tell me how it started?

Todd Rundgren: ♪ It was late... last night... I was feeling something wasn't right... ♪

Reporter: And how do you feel now?

Allman Bros.: ♪ Good lord I feel like I'm dyin'. ♪

Reporter: What would you say to your concerned friends and family who would like to help?

Tom Petty: ♪ Don't come around here no more ♪

Reporter: Looking back with 2020 hindsight, how do you see the way things were before the lockdown?

Mary Hopkin: ♪ Those were the days, my friend, we thought they'd never end, we'd sing and dance forever and a day... [keeps going] ♪

Reporter: Thank you... uh, thank you... Excuse me? [music ends] Do you have anything to say to the people protesting the lockdown, who are themselves spreading the virus by gathering in groups without protection?

Genesis: ♪ There's too many men, too many people, making too many problems / and not much love to go round. Can't you see this is a land of confusion. ♪

Reporter: And how do you feel about the politicians who want to force people back to work?

Tracy Ullman: ♪ They don't know about us / and they've never heard of love. ♪

Reporter: Would you say the United States healthcare system has been working for you?

Pink Floyd: ♪ You've got to be crazy ♪

Reporter: I believe the President has just tweeted a response to that comment...

Queen: ♪ [tinny] We... are the champions, my friends ♪

Reporter: How would you respond to that comment? Hello? The patient seems to have fallen unconscious. I am now being approached by a tall man wearing black robes and carrying a scythe. Mr. Death, do you have any comments on how things are going for you and other workers in the underworld?

Zombies: ♪ This will be our year, took a long time to come. ♪

Reopeners

Reporter: Thank you, Mr. Death. I see a crowd of people out in the street protesting the lockdown -- folks, can you tell me how you feel about government efforts to inform and protect the public during this crisis?

Pink Floyd: ♪ We don't need no education... we don't need no thought control... ♪

Reporter: But don't you think it's at least prudent to wear masks and not gather in crowds?

Supertramp: ♪ Watch what you say, or I'll be calling you a radical -- a liberal -- oh, fanatical, criminal ♪

Reporter: Every major public health organization in the world says that we need to maintain lockdown until we have more tests. How can you argue against that?

Jefferson Starship: ♪ If only you believe like I believe, we'd get by... ♪

Virus 2

Reporter: Mr. Virus, as you look out over the crowds of people beginning to gather once again in the streets, on beaches, and in restaurants, what do you see?}}

REM: ♪ Shiny happy people holding hands ♪

Reporter: Is there anything you'd like to tell them to do?

Beatles: ♪ Come together -- right now -- over me. ♪

Reporter: I am again being approached by the man with the scythe -- Mr. Death, why have you come back?

Manfred Mann: ♪ I came for you... I came for you... ♪

Reporter: I am suddenly feeling dizzy and feverish... the world is spinning around me... that's not the way this recording is supposed to end! I wanted to wear a mask, but it didn't look good on camera! Mr. Virus -- we were just doing an interview! You can't be infecting me now!

Jessica Andrews: ♪ What comes around goes around -- I'm tellin' you babeh, it's called karma ♪

Reporter: One final question before I go [cough] -- do you have any final thoughts?

Jonathan Coulton: ♪ I feel fantastic and I'm still alive / and while you're dying I'll be still alive / and when you're dead I will be still alive... ♪